Mom.

This post is dedicated to my mother. She passed away on the 14th of December at the age of 46. I was 21. 


Becoming a mother is the most amazing thing I have ever done in my entire life. It isn't until you have a baby that you realise what a miracle it is. I mean I grew a human in my body. It is mind boggling when you think of the journey the baby makes from a few cells to a full grown Henry. 


It has also been the most emotional thing I have ever done. I never knew I even had these emotions until I had my baby. It brings up everything you have ever known about life and just turns it upside down.  


It has also brought something very important from my past up to the surface. The life and death of my mother have been haunting me from the moment I found out I was pregnant. She was the first person I was supposed to call when I got pregnant. She was the first person I was supposed to call with all of my questions about my growing belly and changing body. She was supposed to be there to share in my joy when I gave birth to her first grandson. 


But she wasn't. 


The emotional void of not having my mother during the most important event of my life has been HUGE. Every day I want to call her. I want to tell her that I know how she felt when she held Billy and me for the first time. I want to tell her that I understand why she was so worried all these years- she didn't want anything to happen to us. I know how she felt now every time I look at my baby boy. I never want anything to happen to him either.  


I want her to know her grandson and to be able to hold him and for her to be able to hold me when I am stressed or when I am so tired that I don't think I can do it anymore. 


There is just so much that goes through my mind. The last time I saw my mother I was taking care of her. Her illness was a test run to see if I could handle being a mother. She was helpless and couldn't take care of herself. I would stay awake at night making sure she was breathing, just I like I did when I brought Henry home from the hospital. I needed to find empathy, patience and energy I didn't know I had. I was exhausted and I was stressed but I was taking care of the person I loved the most in the entire world- just like I am doing now. 


This experience has also allowed me to view my mother's death from her perspective. My greatest wish in life is that I live long enough to see my children grow up. My mother had that taken away from her and I only know now how devastating that must have been for her. I only thought about how I felt when she was sick. I didn't realise how hard it must have been for her. She missed my college graduation, she missed my wedding and she missed meeting Henry.


I just wish she was here. Every single day I wish she was here. I want my child to know how amazing his grandmother was. I want my child to understand why I am the way I am. I want her to spoil him rotten like I know she would. I just wish she was here. 


I miss my Mom.